Are You Offended?

Being offended is a very popular emotion in today’s culture. It almost seems like people look for things to be offended about. It is an epidemic of prideful selfishness seeking to make others bow to our wishes, trying to make the world be what we want rather than what it should be. We vehemently defend our right to be offended, yet will not consider another’s right to be offended by us. Where does all this offense stem from? Who is wrong and who is right? Is this just the way things are? Is there any cure?

Matthew 18:21-22 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus *said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

Matthew 6:14-15 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.

Now what does forgiveness have to do with being offended? When we are offended, we are upset by what someone else has done to us, they are the ones in the wrong not us right? This argument is at the crux of the issue. When we are offended, we are not demanding that the offender realize how wrong they were and pay for our pain, embarrassment, etc. We are putting ourselves above them. We are making ourselves judge and jury rather than allowing God and the law to handle it. (Note: I am not talking about refusing to turn in a person who has committed a crime.) Being offended is not so much about justice as it is about our feelings.

Of course people will hurt us and that is not right, but as I said last week, demanding restitution is not our job. Yes, criminals need to pay the price of their crimes, but most of the time when we are offended, no crime has been committed. It is a matter of someone being insensitive, unaware, or just plain different. We are thinking first of ourselves, rather than trying to be understanding (realizing they didn’t mean it the way we took it or that they were brought up differently or accepting a person’s differences). We lack humility and grace. We are being unforgiving.

The whole point of forgiveness is that when we forgive we don’t keep a record. That does not mean that we forget (sometimes that is impossible), but we don’t dwell on it, we don’t bring it up again, and we definitely don’t tell everyone about it. Forgiveness means that we have put it behind us, that we no longer hold that person under our thumb for what they did. We release them from the debt of what they did to us. That does not mean they won’t have to face consequences for what they did or said, but that is God’s department. Forgiveness and being offended all have to do with our own hearts. If we had forgiving hearts, we would not be easily offended.

Colossians 3:12-13 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.

The flip side of forgiveness is confession. The more we openly confess what we have done and seek forgiveness from God and others, the more willing we will be to forgive because we will be that much more aware of our true place. We will be humble. By demanding that the other person pay, or by dwelling on or recounting to others what we have suffered, we are forgetting the great debt we have been forgiven. We are insisting that they have sin but we do not. If we keep insisting that we have a right to be upset about it then we are clinging to our pride and selfishness rather than being moved by love. The main part of being a follower of Christ is acknowledging our wrong and not judging others for theirs.

If our hearts were first and foremost concerned with another’s well being, then we would desire what is best for them rather than arrogantly demanding they see things our way. We would be willing to accept them and love them, rather than railing in hatred over how they are wrong. Forgiveness lets go while offense, pride and unforgiveness hold on.

The more we hold on, the more bitter and hard our hearts will grow until we have no love left in us. It doesn’t matter if they truly are wrong, love does not insist on having its own way, on standing up for its rights, keep track of wrongs done to it, or hold wrongs against another. Love forgives and seeks restoration and reconciliation. Love corrects out of a desire for the betterment of the other person, not out of a desire to be right and point out their wrong. A forgiving heart is concerned with the other person, not with self.

All of this is evident in the way a person praises God. A forgiving heart rejoices no matter what others do or say and is in no way hindered in worship. An offended, unforgiving heart may be able to participate in worship in church, but it returns to its bitter thoughts and feelings as soon as it leaves.

Ephesians 4:1-3, 31-32 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

I say this, not from a point of lecturing, but because this is what I am learning right now. This is something I have been struggling with for some time and I need to hear this just as much as anyone else. We need to examine ourselves and see if we are being offended, or if we are forgiving. We cannot do both. 

Do you replay what was done or said to us repeatedly? Are you filled with negative feelings whenever you think of “that” person/group? Do you plan out rebuttals and cunning words to make them feel how wrong they were or to see how they should change? Do you pray for them, genuinely, for God to bless them? Are you filled with the desire to prove how right you are?

All of these will show what is controlling your heart: forgiveness through love or offendedness through selfishness and arrogance. Ask God to change your heart, to help you seek forgiveness and reconciliation, to help you humbly confess your sins and see just how much you need forgiveness and grace.