If
possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.
Romans 12:18 New
American Standard Bible (NASB)
So far as it depends on you…This
means that it all rides on us. We are not to wait for the other person to make
amends, ask forgiveness or change how they act. This peace is not talking about
lack of conflict, but an inner peace and lack of bitterness, anger, jealousy
and a host of other “bad” feelings. We need to do our best to deal with what is
inside us, those bad feelings and what has caused those bad feelings, so that
we can have peace in ourselves, with God and with others. Of course if there is
an issue we need to seek reconciliation as far as we can, but even if we can’t,
even if our efforts are fruitless, we can still be at peace within ourselves.
If we have peace in ourselves as a result of dealing with the
emotional/spiritual problems in ourselves, then we can begin to have peace in
our relationships. If those bad emotions and issues are in us and not being
dealt with, they will spill out into our relationships and we won’t have peace
within or without. That is why it says “if possible, so far as it depends on
you.” We need to do our best and leave the rest up to God. Maybe that person will
never ask forgiveness or even acknowledge they did anything wrong. Maybe they
are not even alive so reconciliation is not possible. That doesn’t leave us in
a place of permanent pain and turmoil. We still have the option to find peace
because no matter what the person does who has hurt us, no matter how sorry
they are, they cannot fix the hurt that has been done. Only God can do that.
But we can find healing and peace regardless of the other person. So as far as
it depends on you, do your best to be at peace; in yourself, with God and with
others. Do your best to make peace with what has happened. Do your best to deal
with the poisonous emotions and issues in yourself so that you can find peace
and healing. Ask God to help you find the peace that only He can give, to help
you deal with what is preventing your peace.
Now you may think that you
have peace or don’t need to deal with those issues because you have chosen to
ignore them and “feel fine.” Sticking your head in the sand does not make the
issues go away. Stuffing or ignoring those feelings does not count as peace, in
the same way that taking pain medication does not mean that the broken leg has
healed. That is numbness, not healing or peace, and is actually more dangerous
and harmful because it makes us incapable of dealing with the issues, healing
or finding peace. We cannot deal with an issue we are not willing to
acknowledge. Being numb to those issues may make us feel better, and be easier
than dealing with them, but that rottenness is still inside us and spills out
on those around us without our even realizing it. It is vitally important for
the health of ourselves and those around us to deal with the pain and issues
rather than ignoring them so that we can be at peace and bring peace to others
rather than bringing pain. It is also important if you have been in the habit
of numbing and stuffing, to ask God to help you root out those issues you are
no longer aware of so that you can come to a place of healing and peace.
For more on this topic of forgiveness
and peace, see Lysa Terkeurst’s book “Forgiving What You Can’t Forget”
specifically chapter 13.
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