What I've Learned in Marriage-5

Consciously choose to forget the bad and remember only the good—This is essential to maintaining a good, healthy marriage, and is tied to 3 and 4. Remembering the bad drives a barrier between you and your husband. Love does not do that. True, Godly love keeps NO record of wrongs suffered, it is not angered or irritated by personal offenses (1 Cor 13).

Forgiveness is not passively forgetting, it is choosing to not hold on to it or hold it against him. God said, “I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins.” Isaiah 43:25. If God chooses to not remember our worst sin against Him, should we remember the wrongs of others? It doesn’t free anyone from guilt, it frees you from bondage to bitterness and anger. Only then will God be free to work in your husband’s life to correct the wrong. As long as you (try to) maintain that control, you are keeping God from taking care of it. Remember it is God’s job to punish and discipline, it is your job to help and encourage.

Romans 12:18-20New American Standard Bible (NASB)

18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. 19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Basically, do good to those who have wronged you and not only will you be in right relationship with them and with God, but you will shame them for doing wrong when they see your right behavior. That has more power than anything you could do to control or manipulate. Fight fire with water, not fire.

Galatians 6:1New American Standard Bible (NASB)

6 Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.

Obviously, there is a time to call out sin, but we must do it lovingly and not hold it over them. You’re not his mother, school teacher, or any other authority over him. You are his teammate. The best fertilizer in the garden of marriage is the memory of good times and kind acts. Remembering the bad things is like a strong weed killer. It may get rid of the weeds, but it usually kills the flowers and poisons the ground so that nothing can grow. Again, this is something that you will likely have to do repeatedly, daily choosing to not remember what has been done against you. I heard a story about a woman who had been treated horribly by her family. When someone asked her why she seemed to not remember it she replied, “I distinctly remember forgetting that.” She chose to forget and to have grace. Choose love.